When I said that there is never enough time, it was taken the wrong way. It’s just that I love you and would like to spend more time with you, but sometimes I know that’s not possible. But I do feel that 1 day a week is something that no relationship can survive on. And it wasn’t either one of our faults for that. It’s almost impossible when I’m working 3rd shift. But that’s not something that’s set in stone. I am hoping that another day position comes available again.
Then on Fridays I was always drunk by the time you got home which made me not want to go home and chill, which is what I should’ve done in the first place. And I enjoy that more now than ever. But alcoholics are selfish people who only think of themselves and their fun. Then on Saturday I’d be suffering the hangover which made it hard for me to be a happy person because i was feeling miserable. Then back to the ritual work week on Sunday. So you can see where this didn’t leave much time, and that was NOT your fault. Billy I blame myself for that one. And now that i’m sober, I can clearly see what a fool I was and I’m truly sorry for putting you through that. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Alcoholism is very disturbing and I know I can never get you to fully understand it, but I do hope that you see me for the person I am now and not the person I was when I was sick. That person needs to be laid to rest because that was not me. I will never get through my sobriety if the past keeps getting brought up. And it’s been even harder when I’m dealing with emotions that I used to drowned out coupled by our separation. And yes there still may be a few lingering things that you didn’t deal with that I still may do. But Billy that’s where I need you to understand that I’m still trying to deal with this stuff and until I get the emotions under control, there are going to be repeated things. And I do still get my bouts of depression but it’s mostly because I’m miserable without you and not being able to share life with you. It’s also frustrating to not be given the chance to show the better changes. And you won’t enjoy them either if you don’t let go of the past. It just makes a person feel hopeless sometimes, ya know.
Billy, I wasn’t unhappy with you and getting more unhappy when you tried harder. You did everything right, but I was a sick alcoholic who wouldn’t have cared more no matter what you did. So please don’t beat yourself up for the effort. Now I can say thank you for being you because I never said that (and should have). That’s why I fell in love with you is because you treated me better than anyone ever has. And you should’ve been shown more appreciation for that. And I do appreciate everything that you’ve done.
Healthy relationships do have disagreements. And it’s not fair to tell someone how they should feel. It would’ve been better if our relationship came first before a few measly differences and misunderstandings. I know that things should’ve been expressed differently but they should’ve been dealt with too. It’s just not realistic to think that people are going to agree on everything. And it’s no reason for a relationship to end.
We had life plans. That’s where communication comes in. Things aren’t set in stone. If a discussion would’ve been brought on, we could’ve came to a reasonable decision that we both could live with. So I have to work, big deal. Nothing any different than I’m doin now. Nothing matters Billy as long as I’m with you and sharing life. I wish it wouldn’t have scared you to discuss these things with me. But I do realize and understand now that I was probably not the most negotiating person because alcoholics are the most selfish people. So once again, I can only apologize for making things hard on you. If I could take it all back, I would in a heartbeat. But unfortunately I can’t. There’s only moving forward.
All I want is open arms and an open heart to really show you the person I am. The person who was buried beneath the booze. The person that loves you more than anything.
I am six months sober, so I’ve cleaned my act up and am a better person now. He says he still loves me and when we hang out things are great. So I just need to back off a while to give him time to miss me?
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