Dated a woman for 14 mos.-Were friends for yrs-Older brother s3xually abused her during childhood. She’s 45 & lives at home (where the abuse took place) with her mom-in same room she had when she was 9. She’s attractive, had abusive relationships, but no friends. She has plenty of $ & could easily move out. As we dated, she would get weird—accusing me of saying things that are s3xually inappropriate. I never tried to do this, & we NEVER HAD S3X. I actually liked her. I was sensitive about the abuse, but she called me names, hit me & been emotionally abusive. After 14 mos., I decided to bring this up. When I tried, she lost it & accused me of s3xually inappropriate behavior 0VER 1 YR AGO. She also said I was s3xually inappropriate around her niece-24 & with a meth addict. Only been around niece 2X. Anyway, she stopped talking in Jan.-crossed paths with her 2X. She was uncomfortable-acting like she would like to talk. I sent her a letter expressing no animosity-wishing her well.
By now, she has received my letter, but has not responded. I feel kind of like a fool or jacka$$ for putting my heart out there like this. I was sincere and honorable. My pain is that I must cross paths with her, and she seems to be walking around as though she’s fine, and I’m screwed up somehow. This is a major mind game for me. I feel terrible, but she seems fine. It just seems a bit cruel and unfair. She’s acting like she was a victim, yet she exhibited abusive behavior towards me—and doesn’t even realize it. I started reading Allies in Healing by Laura Davis, and I realize I may have completely underestimated the effects of the abuse on her behavior towards me..What’s the best way to really deal with this?
wow… Ok… thats a LOT of emotional baggage, and if you want to take something like that on, more power to you!… but seriously, do you want to have her problems, plus your own to have to think and/or worry about… it’s a lot to deal with. Just give her some space… maybe all she really needs right now is a friend and not a boyfriend…. be patient.
The best way would be to never talk to her again and find someone who isn’t screwed up mentally. It’s her responsibility to get herself some help. If you ever got back with her, it would just cause you emotional ruin. Believe me, some abused women never get over the mental part, and you are better off without her!
well if you dont want to see her anymore then dont if it is hurting you. if you arent seeing her, just let it go, act friendly around her and dont think about it too much. theres better things to worry about.
You need to just move on with your life – she has alot of issues and she isnt seeking any help herself, I think you hve done all that you could possibly do – Just know you didnt do anything wrong and that these issues are her issues not yours. good luck finding a new partner
It seems to me like she has some deep issues that you will never be able to fix. It has to be done professionally and if I were you, I would give her the moral support she needs, but not get involved in any other way until she is able to deal with her past in a healthy way. Of course it is not her fault regarding what happened to her, but at this point there is not much you can do. If anything romantic was to occur with you guys at this point in her life (with her not yet stable) there is almost no chance of it working and you both will get hurt in the end. Stand by her as a supported and try to get her the help that she needs. What she needs is a friend at this point, maybe somebody who wont give up on her.
This woman is not capable of having an adult relationship with you – emotionally or sexually. She will interpret any advance on your part even if its innocent as harmful. And men don’t have to take physical abuse anymore than women have to.
She is not emotionally mature enough to perhaps understand your letter in the way you want her to interpret it.
She needs help but it is not up to you to “save” her. She is not aware of her own actions. There are folks that have been sexually abused that can recognize when they are exhibiting certain behaviors and can consciously try to make peace with their experiences but it doesn’t appear that she is at that place.
I would honestly, for your own health and life move on and seek a relationship with a woman who is able to reciprocate with you.
I was abused as a child one time but it takes your trust away from adults especially ones that you are susposed to be able to trust, like the men in your immediate family…and makes it so that you are no longer a child anymore. You are a child that has now taken on adult lookout on life. It is VERY hard to explain. The only thing that I can tell you is that I finally broke down after counseling and everything else that my family tried to help me. I went to church one night and had a best friend that helped me and that had cried with me. She took me to the altar and prayed with me and we prayed and cried and I poured my broken heart out to God and he took the pain and I don’t have to deal with this any longer. The counseling did help but God took all of the pain for good. I’m not saying that everything is perfect now but I don’t have to worry and think about it constantly. She first of all needs to join a church, I go to a Pentecostal Church then she needs to find a christian conselor. She does need a supportive friend but she isn’t ready for a boyfriend yet. Good luck! Someday she will appreciate you standing by her. Although she may never realize that she hurt you but you help her and you could maybe have a relationship who knows. I’m surprised that she is dating when she is so confused right now. Hope this helps somehow…
Wow! It would seem that you need professional assistance in dealing with this. You were in a very emotionally trying and abusive relationship. No, you aren’t the f-ed up one but people such as she with a SEVERE borderline personality disorder (among other things) will do their best to make certain that you think it is YOU and not them that have the problem.
It is not that uncommon for a person to act out aggressively at one that is obviously “safe” to try and (falsely) regain control over their lives. After all, if she is still living at home, I am certain that she is being subjected to some form of abuse there and can not seem to break away (co-dependency maybe).
I recommend that you see the movie GIRL INTERRUPTED. You will see many of the behaviors that you are describing there and maybe this can help you relate.
you have done every thing to try to help her,being sexually abused she is always gonna have issues,just let it go. You know you done nothing wrong.In time she will work out her issues, it takes time.People (women) that are sexually abused as a child grows up looking for love everywhere for a while she is happy and then memories seem to come back and haunt them they will continue to bounce from relationship to relationship until they get help (some women never do) just know it is nothing you did, and if you tried to be there for her one day she will remember that.
Stay as far away from her as possible. She sounds unstable and she could benefit from some professional help. Abuse is a horrible thing to have happen and she is still dealing with it in her adult life. She has too much baggage to be in any type of relationship so if I were you, I would steer clear. You have done your best, but you cannot help her with this.
Ok first thing you need to do is talk to a counselor about the abuse she inflicted upon you. You may not think that you need to but you do.
I’m the product of an abusive father and it has lasting effects on a person. Has she had any type of therapy for the abuse she endured? It sounds to me like she has not dealt with any of the abuse. Sounds like she blames herself a bit, and she shouldn’t. She definately needs therapy or counseling of some sort. She’s angry, irrational and confused about everything in life. She probably feels betrayed and it is obvious that she DOES NOT trust any men. The abuse abuse that she directed towards you stems from everything she believes and the anger she is feeling. When something like that happens to you, you feel like it’s your fault. You asked for it somehow. You know that it wasn’t right for that person to do it but somehow you must have asked for it. So then you hate that person and yourself. You become hostile to anyone who tries to love you or care for you…how could they truely love you, because you can’t even love yourself. How could they truely care about you because you certainly don’t care about yourself. If anyone gets to close or you start to believe they really do care about you, you push as hard as you can. Get them out of your life because you feel you do not deserve anything good and happy. And if someone tries to confront you about the issue then you explode. That explosion comes from being angry because you know that person trying to help is right. You just don’t know how to admit it and take the first step to getting help. The after effects of abuse are very difficult to understand without having been through it. Many times people are never able to cope with what has happened…even after years of therapy. Some people don’t want to cope and others try but can’t. It all starts with forgiveness. If she cannot begin to forgive her brother, she will never get on the path to peace with her past.
The best thing for you to do is stay at a distance…let her know that when she is ready to seek help you will be there for her but until then you need to stay away. In the meantime you need to talk to someone about what she put you through. If you ever want to talk or have a question you are more than welcome to e-mail me…
You need to cut all ties with her now. She really did a number on you. Have you talked to someone to sort through your feelings regarding this. She has alot of problems and inner hurt that she will need to resolve before she can have a relationship with anyone. Please don’t feel bad you did what you thought was right. And one day you will find a women that’s good to you and good for u.