How do you cope with your last grand parent dying, when you’ve only known your mothers side of your family?
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My grandpa died when I was 20. I talked to him for two hours on the phone the day he died. He was my best friend, and my youngest aunt said his last words were “get Jason he can help”. I’ve never met my father, and I hear he is a piece of work. I called my grandmother on that side of the family and she told me she is an 80 year old blind woman and wanted to be left alone.
I do love my grandmother on my mom’s side, and my real mom died 5 years ago. I was adopted by my oldest aunt. So I know a lot about loss. I’m just wondering how people feel about losing most of their family before they are even 32? I turn 32 next week.
I think of historical figures like George Washington who was given an estate at the young age of 17 because both his father and uncle died in their 40′s. I’m sure he was a strong person that was able to lead not only his family, but troops, and eventually go against the greatest empire.
What are your thoughts on loss? I think the most inspirational book I read on this topic was ‘Why Bad Things Happen to Good People’ by Harold S. Kushner. But sometimes I feel little solace anyway. I wrote my grandma a letter last week that she read. My meth addicted uncle won’t let me visit her because he calls the cops since I turned him in for abusing her. And she supported him because that is her way when the department of aging came to check on her.
How do you deal with loss?
Tags: cope, dying, Family, Grand, known, Last, Mothers, only, parent, Side, you've
im so sorry to hear this, i have also lost both of my grandparents from my mothers side-the sane side, my remaining relatives are crack pots and psychos that i do not wish to associate with. I am 23 and am sad that my family is left to what it is. I deal with loss one day at a time i guess, i miss them all the time, i miss seeing my grandmother laugh and play with my daughter, i miss our sunday dinners, i miss listening to my grandfather go on and on about world events, but at some point i think we need to realize how lucky we were to have those times and that some never get to experience the love of a grandparent at all. i wish you the best in your healing.
My dad died when I was 20 and at that time I only had one grandparent and my mother left. Now as of 2006 I am the oldest one in my family. It’s scary. My last grandmother’s death was hard because I had known her longer than anyone else in my family, she was 90 years old. My brother don’t talk to me much, he’s all for his wife’s family. I have found a new family on the internet and have met 6 of them in person. Two women and two men are now my heart brothers and sisters. They are closer to me than any of my extended family is because I talk to them every day.
You concentrate on your own life & forget about the things you have no power to change. If you don’t learn how to do this, it will eat you alive from the inside out. We don’t get to choose our families before we are born & they don’t get to choose us. A few try to manipulate us, as children, or indoctrinate us into their dysfunctional life styles, but in the end, we become adults & then WE decide how we want to live our lives.
I had to learn how to let go of the anger before I could heal. I will never forget how messed up my family members were & still are. The ones still living are dead to me. That’s the way I cope with a bunch of sickos that I happen to share a name with on one side & a bloodline on the other! I accept the fact that they did the best they could with what they had to work with from their generation & life experience. I’m certain most had it worse than I did & that brings me some solace.
You aren’t alone. You are not the first & you won’t be the last person who is born into a dysfunctional family. You need to forgive yourself if you can’t forgive them. Learn to accept the fact that THEY made poor choices & YOU don’t have to do the same thing in your own life.
Hugs, Dee W.
Added;
When bad things happen to good people, everyone is outraged & shocked.
When good things happen to BAD people, it’s similar because they aren’t used to having good things happen & they often don’t even notice when it happens to them! It’s tougher to get through to their injured & damaged souls. Consider yourself lucky that you are aware of some of the problems that they don’t seem to notice & learn to forgive their ignorance (the trick is to keep silent & not tell them) and someday they might MIGHT explain their childhoods to you! I guarantee they came from a worse place than you did & that doesn’t make them right or wrong. It makes them human. Damaged children become damaged adults until they learn to reparent themselves correctly.
I urge you to find a good therapy group or start reading this book by John Bradshaw “Homecoming: Reclaiming Your Inner Child”. It teaches us where our brains were first short-circuited by parents & caregivers & how to rewire what we have learned through years of subtle & unintentional brainwashing!
If you are a Christian you know you will meet again, that helps.
Try thinking of people who have lost a lot more than you. Every time I feel down, I always try to think of those less fortunate. By the way, I too have lost everyone in my family. It is scary to not have anyone to fall back on for any kind of help, but it will make ya stronger.
Oh Honey, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I have lost a lot of people.All of my relatives on my paternal side are dead. One of these, my grandmother, was one of the people I did and always will love most in the world. She suffered a great deal with liver cancer. I worked at a fast food place and lived in another state. I went every weekend to visit her at the nursing home. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through. None of my own problems ever hurt me the way her death did. I had a nervous breakdown when she died. I was at work when I got the call, and I fell down on the floor and could not get up. I just sobbed and sobbed. They called my husband to come and get me. I couldn’t recover for a long time, I lost my job. It was awful, the funeral, oh god, Ghost.
Her death was it. The most awful thing I ever endured. And Ghost I have endured a lot.
Consider yourself lucky that you had him that long in your life!! I know you feel bad but remember the good times and try and follow his lead in life!! You sound like a sound person that can deal with lots of pain!! Go the further step and get your Grandmother out of that abusive situation by calling Adult Protective Services!! She must be very miserable living with a dope addict!! They understand that she fears her son and will not go against his wishes!! I’m sure he wants to keep her because she gives him money for dope!! Stand your ground!! What do you have to lose? You have a Grandmother to gain!! God Bless you and may he answer your prayers!!!